The Beauty of Agreeing to Disagree

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The Beauty of Agreeing to Disagree

by M. Mars

The holidays are approaching, fresh off the heels of a controversial election no less, and you know what that means: all the liberal youngsters, gay uncles, and conservative grandpas gathering together across this great nation to offend each other between courses. When we gather in groups and hear even a passing comment that offends one of our strongly held political beliefs, it can feel impossible not to respond and defend our particular conviction. I’ve felt that flame rise up in my stomach when a back and forth starts escalating from friendly fire to an all out war. It seems imperative in that moment that I change this person’s mind, that I correct them, that I make them see. If only they could see, then they would change. And that’s how the world will change! Never once have I gotten the gratification I sought, just disgruntled family members, damaged trust. I even accidentally made a friend cry once. Before you find yourself in this situation, I want to offer some encouraging thoughts to you about people and their ideas.

When I was in college I had an incredible professor named Dr. Gregg Frazer. He taught me everything I know about teaching. Beyond all the information about political theory, it was the practice of patience and humility that I learned. As a college freshman, I naively believed I knew everything. I had strongly held opinions and was not afraid to defend them. I remember laying into Dr. Frazer my very first day of class! And, too, I remember his calm demeanor as he responded to each of my remonstrations, walked me through his argument again, all the while keeping an expression that showed he took the interaction, and by extension me, seriously. In truth, he should not have taken me seriously. I had no idea what I was talking about. And yet he did. Because of this, over time, my defenses lowered. I saw the logic to his thinking and came around to his perspective on many things. This taught me something important: it takes time for people to come to an understanding about an idea, especially one that may alter their preconceived notions or challenge the worldview they've developed through intuition. Having our deep feelings of intuition challenged can feel physically painful. That process can make people emotional and irate. Understanding this, we can exercise empathy in our argumentation. I watched Dr. Frazer discuss things in a Gen Ed. Government class that caused quite a reaction in people who I knew he could crush in an argument. But to him, being right wasn't the point. Graciously walking them through the idea, being with them in that learning process, that was the point. Love was the point.

Since college, I’ve fallen in love with a man who has opinions that I disagree with. He has developed these opinions almost entirely based on his intuition. Initially, I disliked these opinions because I viewed them as uncompassionate, and this concerned me. But I was operating off of the assumption that people are their ideas. This man, who I shall refer to as Roy, has taught me that people are much more complicated than their ideas. Roy can be very harsh when it comes to groups or concepts. He has shocked me with things he has said, but individually, he is extremely warm, loving, and understanding. He has friends who are gay, different religions, different races, different political parties, and all of these he treats with tender kindness. In fact, more than anyone I’ve ever met, he is aware of how the way he treats others can affect them positively or negatively and how far those effects can reverberate. How could I reconcile what I perceived to be uncompassionate views with a compassionate man? I found out quite recently.

I am a Christian, and I was reading a book called Gentle and Lowly about the heart of Christ, but you don’t need to be a Christian to glean the piece of truth I got from it. In speaking of the different "sides" of Jesus, the gentle, the moral, the wrathful, and how we view each, the author said this:

"We may be fully orthodox in our theology but drawn, for any number of reasons, to one side of Jesus more than another. Some of us may have been raised in a rules-heavy environment that suffocated us with an endless sense of not measuring up. We are drawn especially to the grace and mercy of Christ. Others of us have grown up in a chaotic free for all, and the structure and order of a morally circumscribed life flowing from the commands of Christ may be especially attractive. Others of us have been deeply mistreated by those who should have been our protectors in life, and we long for the justice and retribution of heaven and hell to make right all wrongs."

There are many ways that Christ meets us as we are, and that last description describes Roy. Reading this, I realized that Roy can be harsh and intense in his views because he is justice oriented. The people in life who were meant to protect him and help him along never did. He had to fight hard for every good thing, work 80 hour weeks, walk to work and back everyday when he didn't have a car, learn everything about life on his own. So when it appears that people are taking advantage, asking for handouts, or acting inappropriately because they haven't been treated as they deserve, that upsets him. In contrast, I have grown up with a sensitive heart that has felt misunderstood, belittled, and used. So anyone in society that appears to be an underdog, who seems to be oppressed, I want to defend and lift up. Neither of these is necessarily wrong, and in truth the combination of the two probably makes for the best policy. But in order to understand this, we have to understand that there is a complex combination of our past experiences, our education, our parents, our opportunities, even our geographical location in the world that conspire to create our individual worldviews. It doesn’t mean we need to accept every idea as equally valid, but we can accept every person as equally valid, and this allows us to have the grace to meet them where they are. Attempting to understand others and reserving our initial harsh judgements creates intimacy and trust, and only then can there be the opportunity for genuine persuasion, or possibly even being persuaded.

Of course, there are people who are simply hateful and who want to spew hate, but if we are honest, we know most of our dissenting friends and family are not one of these. My thinking before was far too black and white. Without realizing it, I believed that there is a right and a wrong way to think, and if you have bad or irrational opinions, that is, not my opinions, then you must be a bad and irrational person. I am grateful to have learned the more nuanced truth.

So I decided that I was fine with disagreeing (for now), but that I would love to engage him on these things. There, another obstacle arose. He hates talking about it. It stresses him out and frustrates him. Because of what I learned by watching Dr. Frazer, I felt that time and patience was all that was needed. "If I just explain it the right way, with the best logic, with the most humble and nonchalant disposition, surely everything will fall into place and he'll agree with me!" No such luck. So what do we do when time and patience fails?

As for me, I wondered if I could be with this person. The goal of my life is the pursuit of truth and understanding. To me that means trying to comprehend our reality and the experiences of the people on this planet. Roy is different. He is creative and a dreamer. He doesn't want to think about society's ills, for he has already experienced them first hand. Instead, he wants to make beautiful things and put them into the world to ease the pain of existence. And neither of these is wrong.

Twitter cancel culture would tell me to dump this man like a hot tamale for not being “woke” enough. And yet, more than in any of those people, I have seen his capacity for kindness, understanding, and empathy. I have seen his heart for depressed and hurting individuals. I have watched his patience and acceptance of people who most would reject. Because of our conversations, which always happened against his will, I have also seen his flaws. I have seen his insecurities. We have hurt each other’s feelings and have both been humbled in the process. In the midst of it all, I have come to understand him better, and this in turn, has made me better. Likewise, he has come to understand me better, and it has made him better.

No opinions were changed in the making of this friendship. No governmental policies were revoked or reinstated. But yes, the world was changed. Two of its inhabitants are better people than they were before. Think about that. Two people are genuinely more caring, more empathetic, more self aware, and more understanding of a different experience than their own than they were before. How does this compare to so many political discussions that begin in disagreement? Those discussions where nothing at all changes, least of all anyone’s original opinion? The world will tell you that agreeing to disagree is a cowardly move, a cop out. But I have seen it be just as much a force for good as careful argumentation.

Being right is not the point.

Changing minds is not the point.

Love.

Love is the point.

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